Without Words

I have not written a post in a while. Instead of writing I have found myself without words a lot recently. March 10th was the one year anniversary of Casey’s passing. Her service was one year ago on March 16th. Usually I would spend March and April working on details for her birthday. I have been feeling a bit lost recently.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could kiss her perfectly chubby little cheeks one more time, snuggle with her on the couch, tuck her into bed, or watch her face light up as she watched her ponies or one of her favorite movies. Tim put together a clip of Casey’s favorite pony getting her wings that he played at her service. That clip has been playing a lot in my memory lately. That as well as the photo/music tribute he created for her service.

Casey used Netflix on her iPad to watch episodes all the time. When I open Netflix all of her shows are still in my queue. Lots of things are still exactly as she left them over a year ago now. We have tried to find new homes for as much of the medical stuff as we can, but all of her favorite things, all of the things that remind us of her, are still very present.

We know many families that have lost a child. Unfortunately in the complex medical world loss is a very real part of all of our lives. Some of these families have other children, or have had to move for one reason or another, and they needed to put a lot of their child’s things away to make room for life. Casey was it for us, so we don’t need to reclaim the space. Some of her friends still come by and they will play with her toys. Everyone grieves differently, and for us we need to still see her things. Eventually that may change, but we are lucky that we don’t have to rush it.

Overall we are doing okay. Some days are really difficult, but we are getting through them. I have decided to write a book, Casey’s story, our story. I am just getting started, but so far it is helping me a lot. Writing about falling in love with her dad, wanting a baby so badly, and finding out we were pregnant and all of the wonderful memories we shared fills my heart. Writing about the birth, and all of the devastating moments helps too, those are part of our story. All of the bad helped us appreciate the good that much more.

Creating Casey’s Circle and keeping her legacy alive through this nonprofit is helping me a lot as well. Casey loved being with other children, and through Casey’s Circle we are able to continue the amazing things she inspired or started in her life.

We have a lot of fun stuff planned over the next few months. Be sure to check out our calendar, Casey’s Friends and Casey’s Angels if you have a child with special needs or if you have lost a child. We are working on setting some stuff up to help celebrate what would have been Casey’s 11th birthday as well. We will post more here soon. We will post on CaseyBarnes.org and our Facebook page as well.