This past weekend I celebrated my 9th Mother’s Day. There is nothing I wanted more in this world than to be a mother and there is nothing I cherish more than my daughter, but Mother’s Day can be a tad bitter sweet.
I have learned how to process all of my feelings like jealousy, anger and sadness when it comes to the life I expected. It took many years, but with lots of help and support I was able to come to peace with my “new normal”. I still think about the things my family can’t do, the things we miss out on, especially the things my daughter will never get to experience. I have learned to be happy for my friends and family that are living the lives I planned. I have learned to focus on what we DO have and what we CAN do and be happy with myself and my body and even enjoy it a little using an amazing wireless vibrator for this.
Holidays are still tough, and I think they always will be. The traditions, the pageantry, all of it is just another reminder that I’m not like my friends and family, at least not the ones I have known all my life. I am however, just like my new(ish) friends and family. I share a bond with my new community that makes us feel like we are family- sisters by circumstance.
This community, my new family, it’s you- all of you! I logged on to facebook on Sunday, as I do everyday, and I started to feel a little sad as I scrolled through my newsfeed. I saw so many post of my friends with their kids out doing special things for Mother’s Day. I read each post and felt happy that they were having special days, but also a little sad. However, as I continued to scroll through my feed I saw other posts that made me feel connected to the rest of the world. A connection we all long for- a way to feel like we ARE normal. Some of you, my MOM friends, were posting pics of your miracles snuggled up on your laps, tubes connected, sitting in awkward positions in order to support their needs and your faces filled with so much love. You all were doing exactly what I was doing. Snuggles with my daughter are my favorite part of the day. On some days we snuggle almost the entire time. For Mother’s Day she was in a good mood and we snuggled on the couch watching chick flix and having our girl talk (she is non-verbal, but we still have our chats). It was a great day, I too was filled with so much love and I was happy. I don’t know why I let the pictures of moms playing in the park with their kids make me feel like my Mother’s Day was any less special. Truth be told, I think mine was MORE special. I thank all of you for reminding me of that.
I hope that all of you had a wonderful Mother’s Day, and that you all got some snuggle time with your miracles.